"At least you tried."

“Before you QUIT… TRY.” – Dalle S.

Since the first semester I’ve been dreaming to go for an exchange under AIESEC. I have to admit that this is one of the reasons why I joined the organization, basically to experience the program they are offering which I see would benefit me as a whole.

 Right now, they are advertising the GCDP and GIP with the slogan, “I want to GET LOST and Find Myself!” This really triggered once more my desire to go for an exchange this summer but the problem is I need to take my OJT within those months that the program covers.

I told my mom about it but then she discouraged me since we’re not sure if it would greatly affect my school curriculum. So, I asked the faculty secretary of our faculty, I was hoping that he could enlighten me but then I got an answer that I need to ask our department head instead. Plus, he didn't directly discourage me but then it boiled down to that point. There was even another professor listening to our conversation and said, “Mag-aral ka na lang muna iha.” I shyly smiled to them and when asked why and where I want to go for the exchange program, I said, “I want self-fulfilment. And if ever, I want to go to a Spanish speaking country so that I could apply what I learned in my Spanish class this year, they are actually offering Colombia,” they laughed after hearing my explanation.

After, I had to ask the opinion of my Spanish professor since I’m planning to apply what I learned to his subject. He listened to what I have to say but then it’s the same, he indirectly discouraged me and just recommended a friend in law school (who I personally know as well) who can help me instead if I want to do volunteer work. Then he suggested that I should think more about this issue and consider my parents but what made me smile about our conversation was the fact that he offered me an intensive Spanish class with him if ever I continue with my plan! And here goes my segurista attitude; I asked if I need to pay him if ever, he just smiled and say “No, No” (with his Spanish accent. Haha). I just hope that I didn't offend him though. 

Lastly, I seek for my college friends’ opinion. One friend said that I should think first about graduating on time rather than going for the exchange since it matters if a "person graduates on time" (yes, it matters most especially to my dad!). Another said that as long as my parents are okay with it, then it would be fine. Then the third one just listened to what I need to say but at the same shared an internship opportunity she had to turn down as well.

At the end of this day, everyone is against me. YES, no one wants me to go to this internship because I need to prioritize my studies first. And i understand their opinions. But still, I would stand firm in trying. I would ask the department head on Monday, if there is a chance that I could go to Colombia (Yes, this is where I want to go now! Haha) and when I return get a GOOD OJT.

 I want to push myself harder, I don’t want to feel that I slip on a chance of catching a dream that I’ve wanted since the first semester of this school year. I want to see myself getting lost in a place that I don’t know but at the end find myself in the same place with much bliss and fulfillment.

People might not understand why I’m pushing this dream which in fact could be achieved after I graduate but then deep within me I know that if there’s a chance, I would surely grab it and want to make the most out of it! I know that I would get self-fulfillment that I could not get if I just stay in my comfort zone and if I do it after graduation day. GCDP and GIP for me offers a different experience and perspective in life. For now GCDP is what I want! This is what my heart desires to do.

Whatever happens on Monday, I would not have any regrets about it and would wholeheartedly accept what God wants for me. If its is a YES, well then it's a YES YES YES! But if ever it is a NO, at least, at the end of that day, i could tap my shoulders and would proudly say, "At least, you tried." :)

Fickle minded

Yesterday, I was telling my friend that I think I really like you and perhaps I even love you already. Suddenly, while listening to the priest homily a while ago, there was a certain hint within me that I don’t like nor love you. Maybe I’m just infatuated because you’re the perfect example of my ideal guy. So perhaps I  need more time to think and understand how I feel. After all I admit that I am fickle minded… this only proves that I’m a true woman. 

Discomfort vs. Learning : My first AIESEC Experience

It has been awhile since I posted my last blog. Oh well, here it goes…

Yesterday I went home from Antipolo , I attended the NLDC of AIESEC Phes. Before the whole conference, I was so excited due to the constant feedback coming from our EB but then on the first night I was actually disappointed due to the amenities (if I could only rate it with a -5 during our evaluation sessions, I would really do it!). The rooms were really small (we can’t move properly! They tried to fit four people in a room that could only accommodate 2 persons), the food sucks, and the water was dirty and would always run out. In addition to the situation, I’m claustrophobic and I had this wound in my right knee. So just imagine how uncomfortable it was for me to stay in such condition. I was thinking of going home on the second day but then I decided to give it a shot (I paid 3K+).

I must say, it was a right decision to give it another try. The whole conference was not perfect but then I learned a lot. I realized that leaders should be leaders no matter how awful the situation could be. Most of the time, it is about the learning and experience that you get that matters. I enjoyed every moment I was interacting with other people from other LCs plus the factor that my LC won the fluffy bear was an awesome add on.  I feel good that I didn’t give up even if I was actually experiencing so many discomforts already. This is my first conference for AIESEC and definitely this would not be the last.

My AIESEC experience would not end here. I will continue to grab the opportunity to add more enthusiasm to what AIESEC could offer to me.  

Physical Injury

Aww. When i saw this picture, I remembered you again. Is this how you feel every time I ignore you before? If yes, I'm sorry and I will try my best that it will never happen again... let me heal the brain effect that I caused.

Sorting out

I just finished fixing my room tonight. I must say, I have written so many papers for this semester and proudly I must congratulate myself for doing excellent for most of it. On the other hand, for the quizzes that I took, I really nailed most of it except for one quiz in Literature. That quiz was really frustrating since it was a surprised quiz and lucky me, I didn’t listen during the whole 3 hours discussion of the professor, thus, getting the price of an F. I know this blog post is really bizarre, I just wanted to pour out my thoughts and feelings upon seeing all the papers I have sorted tonight because looking back to all of brain wrecking requirements I have done this semester, I realized that there are a lot of potentials I could give and receive in my course. Maybe it’s time for me to focus and to fully love CA rather than rooting in shifting. Maybe at this point it is quite late already for me to take an action in shifting to Psychology; this is the right time to know that I could still pursue that course after finishing CA and that it will never be too late if the right time comes. In the first place, I love what we do in this course and this is what I wanted to take when I entered the university! No matter how tiring it is to produce shows, to do an advertising plan or to write several scripts, I must admit that I like what we did; I love what we did to all those course requirements!

Also, I grasped that I should stop over thinking everything and just go with the flow. Carpe Diem as they say. I just need to enjoy everything that we do and stop putting so much pressure in my shoulders because at the end of the day, I know that I give my best to everything I do. Every effort counts and it prevails, so I should stop bothering for too much perfection (but I must say perfection is nice… but not too much).

In conclusion, I must say that this semester has been really good (even if I didn't see my grades yet but I’m hoping for a good result). I was able to know who my real friends are, those whom I could trust and rely on for work, I discovered some of my potentials and most importantly, it gave me a clearer view of why I took up CA.

 The last three semesters would not be easy, it will never be, but knowing now why I wanted this course, I know it will give me the strength to go on and push myself beyond my limits rather than just staying in my comfort zones. This is where I started my journey and definitely I won’t give up until I finish it. 

Cheers to my paper outputs this semester, surely, you've made me smile tonight. :)

SEM BREAK!

SEM BREAK! SEM BREAK! SEM BREAK!

They say it is SEM BREAK already but i won't declare it unless I see my grades. HAHA  forever grade conscious. But actually i'm enjoying this bum life for a while since the week after I would be quite busy for organization activities. I don't know though if I could stand this situation since I won't be coming home and obviously I am stuck here in the apartment doing nothing but watching a few series, browsing facebook, tweeting, sleeping and eating; that is quite a productive routine huh? If I suddenly go crazy, i would go home to Tuguegarao without informing my parents. I will surprise them or should I say I will surprise my dad since my mom is not around . 

For now, I shall continue my crazy routine. I don't know how long will I stand but hoping that I will survive this week. I know I will! :)

P.S. Sorry for a crappy blog post. I just want to write something since I won't be talking to people for a week unless I buy something to eat. So obviously, I would be talking just because I'm buying food! haha

One Poem. Three Versions

Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

 Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Kay iksi ng pag-ibig, pero bakit sadyang kay haba ng paglimot.

My Literature professor when i was in first year posted his Filipino translation of Pablo Neruda's Poema 20 on Facebook and suddenly nostalgia attacks. Actually, it was our lesson back then. I remember him showing the English translation and i really loved it! I actually like the context of the whole poem. It's really heartwarming, most especially for a girl like me who likes being emotional sometimes. Knowing that this poem was translated from Spanish (i learned a little bit of Spanish this semester) I tried to compare the three versions. 

Spanish Version: 

- I was actually delighted to know that I understood the poem since most of the words that the writer used were familiar to me. The words were actually taught in class, thus, helping me in appreciating the original version of the poem. I need to give an A+ to my professor in Spanish!

Filipino Version:

-One of my friends like this version, since according to her it has more emotions, plus you could feel more pain because of the language. Well, I agree with her. The words that my professor used were really heartbreaking compared to the English version but then it didn't give me the AHA feeling.

English Version:

- Among the three, this one is my favorite version! I could really feel how much the writer loved his lover and how painful it was when their relationship ended, thus, giving me a full idea on why the the poet wrote the poem. The right words were chosen by whoever translated it.

Anyway, Idk why i compared the three versions. When in fact, i should be reviewing for my Literature exams on Friday. Maybe I was amazed to understand a poem based from three versions of different languages. Plus, this poem was really one of my favorite!

And trust me, whatever version you would read... 


Puedo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche... or

Tonight I can write the saddest lines... or

Maisusulat ko ngayong gabi...

You just need to think deeper and to read between the lines to fully appreciate the poem. :)

Spanish Effect?

"Pero ako lang talaga sa group namin yung mag-take ng Finals sa Spanish. HAHAHAHAHA. Noob me. #dimakagetover xD "

-Hindi ko alam pero na-bother talaga ako sa tweet na ito nung isa naming friend, lalo na dahil kilala ko siya bilang chill lang at hindi masyadong grade conscious. Napaisip nanaman tuloy ako - maganda nga ba yung pressure na ibinigay ng Spanish professor namin ngayong first semester? Oo, sinasabi kong pressure hindi dahil sa dami requirements, kung tutuusin hindi nga nagpapa-deberes (homework) yung professor pero pressure dahil agad niyang chinecheck ang mga papel namin tuwing may quiz (pati noong prelim exams) at inannoucne ang scores pero bago iyon kinokondisyon na kami na nais niyang "PERFECT" namin ang quiz. Alam mo yung feeling na dapat PERFECT ka dahil malaking kasalanan ang magkamali.  Hindi ako OA, iyan ang naririnig kong sinasabi ng mga classmate ko, kahit pa nga yung ibang section na handled niya yan ang sinasabi! Naalala ko  noong una kaming nagquiz, sabi nung professor napanaginipan niyang perfect kaming LAHAT. Natawa lang ako noon. 

Napapaisip talaga ako kung maganda nga bang strategy ito? Siguro maganda dahil "napipilitan" kaming mag-aral ng mabuti. Ngunit mukhang hindi rin dahil parang nagkakaroon ng psychological effect sa mga estudyante. Napansin ko kasing madalas paranoid ang iba kung hindi nila perfect yung exam. Ramdam mong nalulungkot sila kahit 2 or 3 mistakes lang naman ang nakuha nila. Weird. Over over sa pagka-GC ang dating tuloy sa akin. Oo!!! GC rin ako pero wala namang epektong ganyan sa akin! Nabobother tuloy ako dahil iba ang epekto nung strategy nung professor sa mga classmates ko. 

Maganda nga kaya ang ganitong estilo sa pagtuturo? Hindi ko alam. Ni hindi nga ako sigurado sa mga pinagsusulat ko ngayon. Ang alam ko lang gusto kong mailabas kung ano ang nasa isipan ko lalo na at interesado ako sa human behavior (oo, weird no?)

Siguro patuloy na lang akong mag-oobserve kung ano ang magiging epekto nito... pero sa tingin ko panandalian lang ito, hindi magtatagal ang Spanish effect na ito! 

Naiinis ako sa mundo!

Naiinis ako sa mundo! Naiinis ako kasi hindi niya kayang gumalaw man lang ng dahan dahan ayon sa kagustuhan ko. Ang daming problema kung kailan excited na ako dahil patapos na ang lahat. Patapos na ang paghihirap ko sa semester na ito. Pero bakit nga ba ako naiinis? Ayan, basahin mo para naman maintindihan mo ako!

Una, naiinis ako dahil hindi ko na alam mangyayari sa grade ko sa Lit. Ang ganda ng prelim grade ko, tapos ngayong finals.. hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyari. :( Grade conscious? Oo na, sige ako na! Tska inaamin ko na rin...kasalanan ko. Kailangan kong bumawi. kailangan! kaya ko to, sigurado ako!

Pangalawa, naiinis ako sa advertising paper na ito. :( Nawawala kasi yung CEO namin. Masyado atang heartbroken. Oo, naiintindihan ko masakit at masaklap ang pinagdadaanan niya sa ngayon.. pero yung totoo ate? Konting tiis na lang o! Please lang mag-online ka na at tapusin na natin ang paghihirap sa subject na ito. Susuportahan kita sa pag-iyak buong sembreak, gawin lang natin ito!

Pangatlo, naiinis ako dahil kailangan kong pumila sa registrar para kunin ang test permit ko! Yung totoo? Bakit bigla nila binabago ang proseso na wala man lang abiso sa amin? Ayos naman yung proseso na yung class president ang kumuha sa dean's office a! E paano ba yan? Dagdag pa kami sa aasikasuhun sa registrar! Dagdag pa ito sa trabaho na kailangan alalahanin! Dagdag pa ito sa stress na nararamdaman ko!!! Pero ang pinakakinaaasaran ko rito, bigla bigla na lang ang announcement na ito? AS IN BIGLAAN! So ayan, biglaan din ang pagtaas ng blood pressure ko.

Pang-apat, naiinis ako dahil may chance na magfinal exam pa kami sa SocioComm. Eh yung totoo? nakondisyon ko na ang sarili kong walang exam doon dahil meron kaming documentary. Ang masaklap pa diyan, ako ang EP ng documentary na ito. So paano kung nag-exam kami? Kasalanan ko ba? Pero ako ay nananalangin na sana hindi. Sana magustuhan ni Ma'am ang documentary namin at marinig ko ang mga katagang, "O, very good! Di na kayo mag-eexam"

Panghuli sa lahat, naiinis ako dahil sa  CA Reshuffling issue na iyan. Sa totoo lang okay naman ako sa ideya e. Pero nakakainis lang na hindi kami kinakausap ng matino. Liberal Arts nga ang tawag sa faculty namin diba? Pero ang dating sa akin nakatali na kami sa isang bagay na hindi man lang pinaalam sa amin. Parang pina-sign kami sa isang kontrata kahit hindi namin alam kung ano ang nilalaman nito dahil ayaw na bigyan ng pagkakataon na basahin pa ito. Kaya ayan, nalulungkot ang lahat. Magdala o magsuot daw ng kahit anong may RED na kulay. Sabi ng ilan, magRED LIPSTICK na lang daw sila, siguro makikigaya na lang ako doon dahil sa tingin ko naman okay iyon *okay okay, aaminin ko mahilig kasi ako sa lipstick kaya natuwa ako sa ideya na iyon he he*

Yun lang.

At dahil nasabi ko na ang lahat ng gusto ko... sige ipakulong na ninyo ako.

Nababaliw na ba ako?

Ang alam ko dapat nag-aaral ako. Lalo na kailangan kong bumawi dahil ang baba ng huling quiz ko kay Bunraku pero heto ako nagsusulat nanaman kung ano ang nararamdaman ko para sayo. Uulitin ko, hindi kita mahal, dakilang masyado lang akong concerned sayo. Siguro kung mababasa mo ito pagtatawanan mo ako at sasabihing, "Okay ka lang?" may kasama pang sarcasm...sure ako! 

Sa ngayon, hayaan mo na lang muna ako. Hayaan mo na lang akong mag-emote kahit na hindi naman dapat. Siguro nga masyado akong baliw, masyado akong nag-isip isip tungkol sa sitwasyon na ito. Pero anong magagawa ko? Eh una pa lang napahanga mo na ako. 

Binalikan ko ang post ko sa posterous tungkol sayo... hindi ko alam na iyon pala ang nararamdaman ko noong mga panahon na iyon...

Just Friends I can't remember how it started. Maybe i just really like a man like you. Yes, i'm using the word "MAN" because i don't think boy or guy would fit. At this moment, i am so scared. After that Psychology exam i took and discovered that I could make guys feel that I like them more than just friends, to the point that they would think that i LOVE them, i started to feel that i should distance myself. I am afraid of the things that i could i make you feel and interpret. I want to tell you that, "Hey, I'm not inlove" I don't even think I am. Maybe i just admire you, i admire you too much.And besides, I have this tendency to be sweet, really sweet to the people around me. It is normal for me to make them feel special, to say thank you a thousand times and give something as a sign of gratitude. Please don't think that I am weird. A crazy teenage girl who's lured by her emotions because i'm sure i'm not. But for the sake of our situation, then fine, i would stop being friendly and just act as if we just met. Oh yes, I need to remind myself all the time that there is a boundary and I need to draw a wider gap now.  Starting next week I will change the way i act when you're around, so don't even wonder why because the answer is vague and i would only continue feeling uncomfortble when you're near or far. (http://mayyengm.posterous.com/just-friends) 

Gusto ko pa lang maging magkaibigan tayo. Yung tipong close na close at pwede kong sabihin ang lahat sayo. Pero mukhang hindi naman pwede at kahit kailan hindi mangyayari. Kaya nevermind yan ang sabi ng utak ko. 

Sana pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito, babalikan ko na lang lahat ng posts ko dito. At sana sabay na tayong tatawa sa kabaliwan kong ito. Pero ang tanong, nababaliw na nga ba ako?

Just Try

"Idk. Badtrip lang that he could control everything... Especially your feelings" -Ate Nica

Wow. That certainly sucks! Fine, he really controls how I feel. I get affected and paranoid all the time. How can i even defend myself? This is so unfair! This is really crazy. You're driving me crazy. 

Please, please... stop acting like a damn cold shit.

I don't want to decide based on my impulse but as of now I need a prevention and a little cure. I can't let you control the whole of me. 

But hey listen... here's a little advice, "We should not always judge the person on his actions, but his intentions and reasons behind it."


Try asking me why i did those things and maybe you'll understand me better and make everything alright... reach out.. please just try!


x

Last One Week

Wow. Just wow.

Hindi ko gusto ang nararamdaman ko. sabi sa Psychology... follow your instincts kasi kadalasan sinasabi nito kung ano ang totoo. Paano ba yan? Sabi ng instincts ko galit ka. Sabi ng instincts ko hindi ka comfortable na nakikita ako. Sabi rin ng instincts ko tuluyan ng lalayo ang loob mo sa akin. Nalulungkot ako sa nararamdaman kong ito. Sana mali ako. Sana mali lahat ng nasa isip ko. Dahil kung alam mo lang gusto ko pa rin ikeep natin ang friendship na nabuo kahit pa may "thin line" sa pagkakaibigan na ito.

Oo, siguro nga sobrang suplada ko minsan *madalas ata para sayo?*
Nung una kitang dinedma, ginawa ko yun dahil may kasama kang iba. Syempre, nahiya naman ako na magsabi pa sayo, "Uy, hi. pansinin mo naman ako."
Nung ikalawa naman, nainis ako sayo. Tama ba namang hindi mo ako kilala? Samantala lagi mo nga akong pinapansin sa loob ng kwarto kung saan ako unang humanga sa iyo.
At yung nangyari naman na pangdededma ko noong nakaraang linggo, hindi ko yun sinadya. Kung alam mo lang gusto pa nga kitang itext at magpaliwanag. Kaso baka isipin mong weirdo ako at ano ba yung pinagsasabi ko. Pero ito... hindi kita pinansin noon, kasi naman may kausap ka sa cellphone diba? Paano ako sisingit at magsasabing, "UY HIIIII!" Parang ang bastos naman?

HUHU. Utang na loob, huwag mong isipin na suplada ako at may pagka-user pa! Sa totoo lang masaya ako tuwing nakikita kita. Yung tipong feel ko okay lahat. parang bigla may nagsasabi sa akin na KALMA NA. Oo, meron kang epektong ganoon sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero basta masaya ako kapag alam kong andiyan ka.

Kaya please? Huwag ka na masyadong cold. Sana bumalik na ulit yung friendly aura mo. Let's seize the last 1 week that we have. :(

Dalawang Linggo

Kahapon napagtanto ko na hindi talaga tayo pwede. Siguro nga sa simula pa lang hindi na talaga pwede ngunit patuloy ko lamang ipinilit. Totoo nga talaga ang sabi nilang, "Huwag mo na lang ipilit ipasok kung hindi kasya." Parang sapatos o sandals lang, kung masyadong masikip o maluwang, hindi mo ma-appreciate ito kahit ano pa ang ganda ng desensyo nito.

 Siguro, sasabihin ng iba, "Uy nice catch yan kung sakali," pero kahit ano pang sabihin nila, kahit ano pang pilit ko, wala talaga at hindi ko naman kayang sabihin sayo na sana gustuhin mo rin ako.

Pagkatapos ng dalawang linggo, sa wakas malalayo na ako sayo. Sana lang, hindi na kita muling maisip pa o kaya naman mas maganda... HINDI NA KITA MULING MAKITA PA. Pakiramdam ko para akong tanga kapag andiyan ka, kapag malapit ka. Para akong nawawala sa totoong mundo, para akong lumilipad sa kawalan. Hindi pa naman kita mahal, sigurado ako. Baka masyado lang akong natutuwa dahil ikaw ang dream guy ko. Pero hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit ako nasasaktan, lalo na noong nalaman kong mayroon ka ng girlfriend, na sa tingin ko lubos lubos mong mahal. Ang swerte niya dahil nakatuon ang atensyon mo sakanya. Ang swerte niya dahil lubos ka niyang kilala. At higit sa lahat ang swerte niya dahil mahal mo siya...

Mukha na akong bitter sa mga pinagsusulat ko... pero ito talaga ang nararamdaman ko. Bahala na kung ano ang mangyayari. Sa ngayon, magpapakasaya muna ako at susulitin ang dalawang linggo na natitira para sa atin.

Familiarity Bridge Contempt

I never thought that this day would come. This is exactly one of the reasons why i don't give my trust to people easily. I am scared of such things to occur and here it goes again. I failed to see how these people act and feel about me.

I thought three years of being together would mean that they have accepted my flaws and strengths. I am not perfect and I am sure I will never be one. Nonetheless, I try to be the best in everything. You might see me as someone who is so perfectionist and disciplined but I am not. I am just trained to try to give my 100% heart to the work that needs to be done.

 Yes, i try to be the one responsible all the time but deep within I am tired already. Tired of being the one who feels the pressure and the ass. Instead of judging me, why not for once try to get the responsibility and lead the whole bunch?  Believe me, it is tiring but at the same time fulfilling.

Do i really intimidate people? Do i really push them away? Do i really make them uncomfortable? I don't know the answer and I guess, no one would even correct me. I am lost at the moment. I don't know whom to trust. All I know is I have some real friends but they are physically away and I thank the Lord that at least at the some point we still manage to communicate *thank you technology*

But right now, I am confused and I don't know the answers. All i know is that... the title says it all.